We all have been taught not to discuss a few things in polite company, right? Like money, politics, religion, or sex. Well, today we are going to tackle two of these topics – money and sex. Hey there! I’m Dr. Brandye, board-certified OB/GYN, speaker, and women’s libido coach. I teach women how to reconnect with their passions, excitement, and desire so they feel good in and out of the bedroom.
So why are we discussing money and sex? What does money have to do with your relationship and sex? There are a couple of reasons, but the first is that when it comes to intimate relationships, these are two common areas that people struggle with can lead to a lot of stress.
Stress is the number one cause of disease, and a common reason why women can see a decrease in their sex drive during times of stress. When your stress levels are high, so are your cortisol levels. Estrogen, one of the hormones important for a woman’s sexual health, is decreased when cortisol levels are high. So, if you keep the stress levels and cortisol low, you are helping to keep your sex hormones at a normal state. You feel better and are more likely to have more sex!
Another way that money can impact your relationship and sex is that money struggles can lead to feelings of disconnection, bitterness, and resentment that show up in the bedroom (my favorite place to talk about), and can keep you from enjoying your “sexy time”. If you and your partner are arguing about money, feelings of connectedness generally go out the window. You both may be “trying to win” and get your partner onto your side. This mentality can definitely lead to feelings of disconnect and resentment. Have you ever tried to have sex when you were feeling resentful towards your partner? I know, from personal experience, that it is horrible!
Thirdly, how you do one thing is how you do everything, so chances are these tips will help you in other areas of your life. So, let’s begin!
Do you know your money style? Are you more of a spender or a saver? What about your partner? What is their money style? Have you clashed over money issues in the past?
Depending on you and your partner’s money styles, finances and money can be a non-issue or Armageddon! And although I don’t know your specific money concerns, I do know that a few things can go a long way in navigating the shark-infested waters of communicating with your partner about it. And if you can keep communication open, you can keep the walls down in the bedroom!
Create a Common Vision
In relationships, often we will have a vision for what we want out life to be like together. But do we specifically talk about what our money vision will be? No! This is so important because you are laying out your thoughts, ideas, and expectations hopefully before you hit a land mine. But creating a common vision for your finances, and what you want to accomplish together can be a great starting place, even if you’ve been together for a long time. Start with questions like How did you learn about money? What was your childhood like as it relates to money? What goals/dreams do you have around creating wealth and building a legacy? Use the answers to these questions as guideposts for developing your Money Vision. And remember, as you are building your Money Vision, you are engaging in teamwork – and Team Work Makes the Dream Work!
Date Night
Date Night?!?!… I know, I know…But hear me out – would you rather discuss money only when it becomes an issue, or would you rather be proactive about it and keep strife to a minimum. I don’t know about you, but I would rather keep the strife down.
Just like you need quality time with your partner to help your relationship grow and stay healthy, you also need quality time to discuss your money, so that it grows and remains healthy.
Soooo, that means scheduling a regular time to talk about money. You’ll definitely want to do this at least once a quarter, but when you’re just getting started, once or twice a month may be helpful to allow you to set the foundation and create your vision. Some great things to do during this time are:
- Create or review your Money Vision
- Check-in on progress toward money goals
- Revise savings or investment strategies
- Discuss any new or proposed expenses
Date night also implies that it will be fun. So, make it fun. It doesn’t have to be boring and dull. Put on some good music, maybe have a glass of wine, and celebrate your wins!
Get Help
Some things you can handle on your own. But other things may be a bit much for the tools in your wheelhouse. If you have done all you can do and still you aren’t on one accord, it may be time to call in some reinforcements, i.e. a financial advisor or a counselor (or your pastor! If things are really getting out of hand). Finances and money can be a complex thing and having the perspective of someone on the outside looking in can help to put egos in check and kick pride to the side, so you can build a lasting legacy.
For more practical tips on how to keep your relationship sexy, and reconnect with your passions so you feel good in and out of the bedroom, please go to my online group, My O’mazing Life with Dr. Brandye, at www.myomazinglife.com.
